Nesochi Okeke-Igbokwe, photographed by: Shea MacNeil
Dear SuperModelMD®,
I met someone. At first, I thought he might be “the one”, but I am not so sure anymore. When I first met my significant other, he really swept me off of my feet. The beginning stages of the relationship were seemingly magical. We met at a wedding and danced and laughed the night away. There was an immediate connection. We went out on our first date the very next evening, and he looked into my eyes and told me that I was his soulmate. On our second date, it didn’t take long before he told me that he was falling in love with me. I won’t lie, I was taken aback by this man professing his love to me so soon. But, a part of me also wanted to be loved and finally settle down.
The relationship evolved so quickly, and we were inseparable and always in communication. I’ve had my fair share of toasters, but this just felt different. It was something right out of a fairy tale. The amount of attention and compliments I received from him made me feel so special. I was his beautiful queen! He was also extremely generous with gift-giving. We knew each other for such a short period, and he was already treating me to extravagant trips. Money was no issue for him, and he never held back when it came to spoiling me. We flew first class to Paris one weekend, then there was a trip to Dubai for a lavish shopping spree. We stayed in the best hotels and dined at the most exquisite restaurants. He was always dropping luxury bombs on me. On our next trip to Monaco, he surprised me with a huge diamond ring and formally proposed. I just had to say yes to his proposal.
We were officially engaged after just three months of dating; but, he seemed to start acting differently once we were engaged. He would become extremely irate if I didn’t respond to his text messages immediately. One day he just showed up to my job pissed off and asked me why it was taking so long to respond to a certain text message. He said that as his soon-to-be wife, I had an obligation to respond immediately, even if I was at work. I didn’t want to cause a scene at my job, so I agreed to his request and calmly asked him to leave.
There was another time in which he became unreasonably angry because I made plans to spend a weekend with my family for my dad’s birthday. He questioned why I even wanted to spend time with “them” when I had him. He would always say that he wanted me all to himself.
He had another outburst when he accompanied me to a church event. I was part of the welcoming committee that greeted new parishioners. My significant other became upset that I was shaking hands with the new male church members to welcome them. He said that his future wife could not have any form of physical contact with another man, even if it was just a handshake. We got into an argument about this, and I firmly stood my ground in my position. He then punched a hole in the wall and called me a derogatory name all on account of an innocent handshake. This truly terrified me! He didn’t hit me or anything, but certainly was no longer acting like the Prince Charming that I first met. There seemed to be all these unreasonable rules and outbursts of anger popping up out of nowhere.
All of this behaviour was quite concerning, but after becoming so angry, he would always make it up with another extravagant gift and loving words of adoration. I felt like I was in a relationship with Jekyll and Hyde. My sister came to visit me and finally met my fiancé. When we had a moment of privacy, I confided in her about some of the concerns that I had. She immediately said, “End the engagement now! This is not a healthy relationship, and you are clearly being love-bombed!”. I’ve never heard of love bombing before. Is that what I’ve been experiencing? Am I being love-bombed or is what I have true love?
~Longing for Love
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Dear Longing for Love,
Love bombing is a form of manipulation when one demonstrates excessive affection to ultimately assert control over another individual. It is essentially a type of emotional abuse in a relationship, which can potentially set the stage for an escalation to physical abuse. The love bomber attempts to dismantle your defences as a means of controlling you. Those who love-bomb also tend to have narcissistic traits, and thrive upon manipulating another individual. This ultimately breeds toxicity in a relationship.
Here are some common signs of love bombing:
Excessive flattery and attention
The love bomber will always keep the compliments coming your way. They tend to take the flattery to a whole other level. This is done to make you feel attached to the love bomber, and further manipulate you into a relationship.
Lavish gift-giving
Gift giving may be an expression of love in a relationship, but with love bombing it is a tactic used by the love bomber to make you feel like you owe the love bomber something. It is another means by which the love bomber tries to assert further control in the relationship.
Fast progression of the relationship
You may notice that the relationship is moving incredibly fast, and you feel extreme pressure to commit to the love bomber. The love bomber will try to coerce you into immediate commitment early on and further dictate the course of the relationship.
Isolation from family and friends
Does your significant other become angry or jealous when you want to carve out some time to spend with family and friends? Well, if they are successful in isolating you from your loved ones, then they may assert more control over you and further minimise your access to potential support systems in your life.
Demands for nonstop communication
Does your significant other communicate excessively? Love bombers are relentless with the phone calls and text messages, and want all of your time when you are physically apart. They will always question your whereabouts and they want play-by-play updates about you when they are not around.
Ignoring boundaries
Are boundaries constantly being crossed in the relationship? Does your partner become upset when you try to establish boundaries? There is zero respect for your boundaries when you are being love-bombed.
Again, the above tactics are utilised by those who love-bomb with the end goal of controlling you. The framework of love bombing is deeply rooted in manipulation. Nonetheless, what you’ve described sounds like love bombing, and certainly not true love. Love neither involves control nor manipulation. Please trust your gut instincts when something feels off in a relationship, and recognise the telltale signs of this form of emotional abuse. It is also important to seek out emotional support from trusted family, friends, and a mental health practitioner. Safely removing yourself from the toxic relationship is critical to preserve your well-being.
The bottom line is that you deserve to be in a genuinely loving and healthy relationship filled with trust, honesty, and respect.
***
Disclaimer: Information on this Q&A column is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for the advice provided by your physician or other healthcare professional. You should not use the information to self-diagnose or treat a health problem/disease or prescribe any medication, or other treatment. If you suspect you have a medical problem, contact your healthcare provider immediately.
