Before you write off punctuation as little more than a dot, a line, or some combination of both, consider: A period can end a conversation—or an entire relationship. One too many question marks can make the recipient ask themselves if they really want to keep talking to you. Forgetting an exclamation point can spark the wrong kind of excitement.
As digital communication has evolved, punctuation’s job description has gotten more demanding. When you fire off a text or Slack message, “You don’t have the context we have with spoken language,” says Anne Curzan, a professor of English, linguistics, and education at the University of Michigan. “You don’t have facial expressions, you don’t have tone, you don’t have the shared context of a physical space and gestures.” Is the person you’re talking to happy? Are they joking? Are they angry? Are they drop-dead serious? If you were face-to-face, “You’d have all of this context to be able to figure it out,” she says. “In texting, you have very little—so what young people in particular have done is repurpose punctuation.”
That means those tiny symbols, in conjunction with emojis and abbreviations like “JK” and “LOL,” have become tools used to capture tone and facial expression, while making clear not only what you’re trying to say, but how you’re trying to say it. “We have to minimize ambiguity, because we’re not going to be there to clarify,” Curzan says. “So we have to get it right the first time.”
Are you the hostile punctuator in your group chat or Slack channels??? We asked experts how to tell—and how to fix it.
You use periods when you don’t have to
The period has become a “point of contention”—pun certainly intended—says Andrew Albritton, an instructor in the IT and cybersecurity department at Missouri State University who has researched digital punctuation. “It’s the standard way to end a sentence or declaration, yet it’s become something that rubs people the wrong way.” Imagine, for example, that you send a friend this message: “Yay. I’m so happy for you.” Or, when your significant other asks you to meet her for dinner at her favorite restaurant, you reply: “OK.” No one would be surprised if the recipients embarked on a wild goose chase to track down the exclamation point clearly missing from your statement.
Read More: How to Break 8 Toxic Communication Habits
Research suggests that omitting periods is a way people communicate that they’re feeling relaxed—which means suddenly dropping one into a conversation can express anger or irritation. In another study, when people read text message exchanges that either did or did not end with a period, they rated those that did as less sincere than those that did not. One-word texts with periods are perceived as especially negative and abrupt. Periods are “a little flat, especially compared to the exclamation point, which shows social enthusiasm, excitement, and even friendliness,” Albritton says. And don’t. Even. Get. Researchers started on including a period after each word in an exchange: While these serve no grammatical function, they’re typically used to communicate emotional intensity, which can be alarming to recipients.
However, nuance matters in punctuation, and Albritton has found an important caveat: In certain circumstances, periods are used to convey earnestness or seriousness. College students who typically had a finger hovering above the exclamation point, for example, transitioned to periods when consoling friends: “Sorry about the job. It’ll work out.” In cases like that, the heightened sense of formality and seriousness will often be appreciated by the person on the receiving end, rather than interpreted as hostile.
You’re attached to ellipses
Different generations prefer different punctuation, says Deborah Tannen, a distinguished professor in the linguistics department at Georgetown University and author of books including Conversational Style. Take one of the most misunderstood punctuation marks of them all: the ellipsis, technically used to indicate a sentence is unfinished, or to add a pause or build suspense. “Older people tend to use three dots to indicate ‘on and on,’” she says. “Like, ‘You can guess the rest.’” Tannen recalls a student whose father always sent the same text message: “I love you…” One day, the woman’s friend exclaimed: “Your dad must be mad at you!” The woman objected: That was simply his communication style.
Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner
Yet no one ever knows exactly what the ellipsis they’re receiving means. This, experts say, is a punctuation choice that can make messages appear uncertain or vague, which confuses recipients and sometimes comes off as passive aggressive and rude. The sender, one imagines, is leaving something unsaid, which probably means it’s unpleasant. Recipients are left to fill in the blanks.
“Ellipses are fascinating,” Albritton says. “I’ve often thought I need to do a study on those.” (Will he? TBD…) While he doesn’t necessarily interpret those tiny dots as hostile, “using ellipses invites a certain void of meaning and ambiguity in the mind of the receiver,” he says. “You may not want to do that if you’re wanting to be clear.”
You deploy multiple question marks
If you’re waiting for a friend to meet you after work, you might dash off a simple message: “Where are you?” It’s to the point and polite; curious but not impatient. Switch things up, however—“Where are you????”—and your friend may make a beeline in the opposite direction rather than face your perceived wrath.
A string of question marks “does potentially communicate a sense of urgency that can be impolite,” Albritton says. “It’s demanding that somebody respond quickly,” which could be interpreted as rude and unnecessarily aggressive, rather than simply curious. That’s especially true in work settings: In 2020, a British professor lost his gig as a dorm supervisor for using too many question marks, a communication style students complained was “inappropriate” and “intimidating.” (One message read: “Why don’t you listen??????”) During a court case in which the professor alleged unfair dismissal, a judge described the messages as “brusque, blunt, and unnecessarily aggressive,” adding: “The use of multiple exclamation or question marks could well change or influence how a recipient might perceive a text message, and might make an otherwise neutral text appear aggressive, intimidating, or suggesting disbelief.”
Read More: 10 Questions You Should Always Ask at Doctors’ Appointments
Natalie Bidnick Andreas, a professor in the communication studies department at the University of Texas at Austin who focuses on digital rhetoric and communication, isn’t so quick to unleash a verdict. She sees multiple question marks two ways: “First, someone is genuinely deeply confused, which is understandable,” she says. “And second, they’re trying to emphasize the importance of what they’re asking, but they’re misusing the question mark to facilitate that.” If you were talking face-to-face with the sender, “You’d know if they were simply asking a question—or asking a question and you’re in trouble,” she says.
If you’re uncomfortable with the many question marks someone is sending you, Curzan suggests taking a breath and not making immediate assumptions. Then ask them about it: “Those question marks felt a little aggressive to me. Did you mean that?” ”You’re giving the person the space to say, ‘Oh my goodness, no,’” she says. “Don’t assume you understand the intention.”
You suddenly switch up your punctuation style
If you exchange frequent digital messages with someone, they’ll grow accustomed to your punctuation habits, like always including an exclamation point when you say good morning. That means if you abruptly switch things up—and drop that friendly exclamation—the people on the receiving end will notice. “It can be a trigger, whether it’s punctuation that’s appearing or disappearing,” Andreas says. “[Recipients] might be focusing on what the other person is thinking or feeling, rather than the actual logistics of what they’re saying.” That can lead to rumination and catastrophizing: “What’s wrong with so-and-so?” “All they did was not use one simple character, and it can make us spiral,” she says.
Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists
Everyone benefits from frankness and open discussion around punctuation. If there’s a chance your digital communication will be misinterpreted, be clear about your intentions: When Albritton is emailing with students, and he can tell they feel like they’re bothering him, he explicitly says: “Hey, I’m not upset at all, just so you know.” Words, after all, say more than punctuation choices ever could.
Meanwhile, if you’re the one dwelling over someone’s punctuation—or lack thereof—give them the benefit of the doubt. Andreas typically waits until there have been three instances of potential hostile communication before asking her friend or colleague if everything is OK. At work, she might suggest to the person that they switch to a different communication platform, like talking via the phone instead of sending Slack messages. “I’m surprised to find, oh, they’re not upset at all,” she says. “They’re just busy, and life is moving, and they didn’t add an exclamation point that day—and that’s all right.”
