I am definitely no relationship expert but every once in a while I love to cosplay the role with a sprinkle of humour and satire. I am quite skilled at social listening and it didn’t take me long to pick up on certain tropes that are currently prevalent in the culture. I believe love is more than a date and the commercialisation of romance but it helps that when people’s attention is aggregated, important messages can be conveyed. Like my friends from some three-letter word agency would say, “I can neither confirm nor deny” the veracity of some details contained herein but I have to do my job as a storyteller. It’s that time of the year when lovers will take over the timeline with their shenanigans. Until us single people can come together to sponsor a bill banning PDAs, we have to endure the oppression of those whose hearts have been pierced through by Cupid’s arrows.
Funds of Affirmation
I used to think that there were five love languages as famously espoused by Dr. Gary Chapman but I quickly learnt that there is an undisputed sixth: funds of affirmation. The aphorism, “no romance without finance” is not just one of those things motivational speakers say; it is a valid thought in the real world. As much as money should not be the focus of a romantic relationship, you go still press money, I no go lie for you. Credit alert has proven to be one of the most effective therapeutic tools. E get how you go send shenkes money, she go begin dey smile anyhow. Bro to bro: there’s nothing wrong with sending your babe a bouquet of flowers regularly but once in a while, make you try dey bless her aza. E get how you go too send babe roses, one day, she go ask you if she be herbivore.
Aaron Pierre, That’s Mufasa
Anytime I want to explain this, my head will be headaching me but I have to say my mind on behalf of all the understanding boyfriends in this world. It’s not easy to bag a pretty and loyal lady these days; after you manage to find the love of your life, you then have to deal with these internet boyfriends. When my sister used to say she’s in love with Cristiano Ronaldo, I didn’t think much of it but in hindsight, I suspect that’s how some of the other gender move in their WhatsApp groups. Explain this to me, I used to date a lady who was fascinated by one Diego dude from the Telenova channel. That one pass, I no talk. I dated another babe, next thing I know, she had a crush on Lee Min-ho. How can you fall in love with people you don’t even understand their languages? Now, my current babe, since she watched Aaron Pierre on The Jennifer Hudson Show, no wan let me hear word. I was practically forced to the cinema last weekend because she wanted to watch Lion King for obvious reasons. At this point, I don’t know if I am the deputy boyfriend because ike gwuru.
His Name Is Jehovah, Iron Breaker
There are some of you that are stuck in some wild situationships that keep you wondering how you got into such in the first place, trust me I see your comments during the Hallelujah Challenge. Here is a rule of thumb: call me old school but always have a formal conversation with the other person before starting a romantic relationship so that you don’t invest precious emotions in assumptions. Don’t ask “What are we?” after the horses have bolted from the stables. Some of these people can only love you broken. That’s why they are always abusing, cheating and lying to you because they want you to get used to toxic love and unhealthy self-esteem. Stop making excuses for your partner’s bad behaviour; trust me there is a world of difference between weakness and wickedness. When these types of people hurt you, they know what they are doing. That is why they always apologise when you threaten to leave. It takes a self-aware and strong person to walk out of a crazy relationship. You need to pray to God that any relationship that will stain your white, God should scatter. Operation bulldozer!
Very Dumb Mates
Do your best to avoid dating or marrying people that don’t have shame. For people like us who don’t really like having our personal business out there, this is a very important point to note especially in the age of social media. One of the ways you know you have found the one is not just how much butterflies are in your belly when you think of him or her but how respectful and protective of each other’s vulnerabilities and privacy when you disagree. The last thing you need is to date someone who is quick to set ring light and spill all the tea on you just because you had a minor disagreement. The exceptions are physical abuse and false allegations. Other than those, it’s a big red flag. Understand that the real world no get joy, most of the internet is at best entertained by your pain. The only thing I want to go band for band is how much we love each other, once the matter turns to gidigbo, I don check out.
God Barb Me This Style?
I still don’t understand how most people model their relationships after couples online they don’t really know. I have been on Obasanjo’s internet for quite a bit and I have seen how well people put on appearances until things fall apart such that the centre can no longer hold. For some couples, marriage is a contract, not a covenant; they are just together to achieve a business or material goal. How you know the whole thing was a farce from the start is how much both parties malign each other with reckless abandon after they part ways. It’s hard to talk bad about someone you really love even when things don’t pan out the way you planned. How do we move from kissing to dissing? If I ever loved you, I will always love you – that’s how I was raised. My parents’ marriage is a great example for me; my mum and dad have been married for over 40 years and not once have I seen or heard about domestic abuse or cheating. All these awwn we are doing is cute but when you’re looking for couples to emulate. Shine ya eyes.
That’s Massive, Baby
I’m all for sharing guap with your lover but e get how the billing go reach, somebody gats call the popo. Which wan be say I go press 20 million naira for just talking stage? I not only observe, I strongly judge this one because my money no be water. E be like say this love don dey cost a dime o because I no understand again. Nne, you need Jesus; na him be Jireh. E get some things wey I no fit provide, abeg. My life no too hard like that; if I see relationship wey pass my power, I go comot body before dem tear my ACL. Once some people don date Pablo, dem go feel say other guys dey stingy or lazy. Yaweh gbawa oh!
They’re Not Like Us?
If there is one forced narrative in this country; it’s how people from different ethnicities hate each other. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most of those pushing bigotry online and in political conversations are actually prime examples of those enjoying intertribal relationships and marriages offline. This is big 2025, are you really going to allow primordial sentiments and biases to stop you from being with your heartthrob? The single stories we tell of others are largely projections, I have not seen one ethnicity where everyone is an angel nor have I seen an ethnicity where everyone is a devil – we gather dey. So if you see your full spec who is not from your neck of the woods, you no go love ke?
Gashi Anata Meeting
Listen, nobody is too busy for the one they truly love. All these excuses might just point to the fact that you’re not the main squeeze but the side piece. Then again, I might be overthinking it but from my small experience, your lover makes you the exception. If you have to be the one pushing the other person to do things that should naturally come to mind, it may mean that the relationship is running solely on your own fuel and after a while, you will burn out. Even Solomon somehow found time for his 700 wives and 300 concubines. Magana ya kare.
Joy Is Coming
Amidst all the madness, my sincere wish is that you find true love. Your personal slice of heaven. In this lifetime, you deserve to be with someone who makes your better angels come alive, that person who completes your sentences – the telepathy of kindred spirits. May you meet that person, if you haven’t already, who understands that you’re a rare breed and your kind requires careful handling. That one person who is a walking reminder that you are meant to do life with peace and joy. When you do, remember to thank God for a prayer answered. To the LOML, early in the morning or late at night, it doesn’t matter what time it is, I will wait for you.
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Feature Image by Andrea Piacquadio for Pexels
