Sorry to overwhelm you, but there are lots of different types of apologies. Some are heartfelt; others are inflammatory. Some are just meaningless uses of the word “sorry”—a language habit we should all try to fix so that true apologies carry more weight.
“Understanding these different types of apologies helps us become more discerning about the messages we receive, and more intentional about the ones we send,” says Audra Nuru, a professor of communication studies and family studies at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn. “It hopefully helps us foster more authentic and meaningful communication in our lives.”
We asked Nuru to break down the nine most common types of apologies.
The genuine apology
This is the gold-standard apology—the Rolls-Royce or Dom Pérignon of saying sorry. “It’s the kind we all hope to give and receive,” Nuru says. For example: “I know I’ve hurt you, and I sincerely regret it. I wish I hadn’t done it, and I won’t do it again.”
Read More: 8 Ways to Apologize Well
It’s clear that the person issuing this apology truly feels the weight of their actions, takes full responsibility for the harm they caused, and, perhaps most pivotally, is determined to behave better in the future. “What makes it genuine is their sincere empathy and clear commitment to change,” Nuru says. “It’s the gold standard because it’s harder [than other types of apologies].”
The courtesy apology
If your boss needs your team to work late on an important project, he or she might break the news like this: “I’m sorry for the short notice, but I’m going to need you to stay a bit later tonight.” It’s a way of acknowledging that something they did or said might be seen as problematic, but they’re apologizing because of an expectation to do so—adhering to a “social norm,” Nuru says—and not because they intend to adjust their behavior in the future. “They’re politely nodding to the disruption, and they probably do feel bad,” she adds. “But they’re not saying they won’t do it again.”
The sympathetic apology
When someone you care about is experiencing a hardship, like a breakup, you might tell them you’re sorry—even though the situation isn’t your fault. Doing so expresses your support and sympathy, and makes it clear that your shoulder is theirs to cry on any time they need it. “We want to offer comfort, even if we weren’t the ones to cause someone’s pain,” Nuru says. “You’re offering to gently share the burden of that sorrow or that tough time.”
The clarification apology
If you didn’t hear or understand what someone said, you may ask them to repeat it—and apologize for the inconvenience. If a colleague is giving instructions for an important project, for example, and you missed a key part, you might say something like, “Oh, sorry, could you repeat that part about the deadline? I didn’t quite catch it.” “You’re not expressing regret,” Nuru says. “It’s simply a polite way to signal that you didn’t hear or understand something, and need the speaker to say it again.”
The explanation apology
Sometimes, people try to provide context and justify their actions—under the guise of apologizing, but without actually doing so. “They use the word ‘sorry,’ but they’re focusing on explaining the circumstances surrounding an event,” Nuru says. “Their aim is more about providing an excuse, and sometimes they inadvertently minimize their own role in what happened.” For example: “Sorry I’m late, but the traffic was unbelievable—there was a big accident and everything was backed up.” “It’s a quick shift from that ‘sorry’ to the external reason,” she says.
The conditional apology
If rage has ever bubbled up inside you when someone told you they’re “sorry if you’re upset” or “sorry you feel that way,” then you’ve received a conditional apology. In other words: They don’t think they did anything wrong, but if you’re offended, they’re sorry.
Read More: 11 Questions to Ask on a First Date
“The apology becomes dependent on how the other person feels, rather than the speaker acknowledging any inherent harm in their actions,” Nuru says. It comes across as insincere and insufficient, because, well, it is.
The confrontational apology
In addition to scoffing at the fact that they hurt your feelings, some people will escalate the situation by apologizing in an exaggerated way intended to mock you. “It’s used to express resentment and make the other person uncomfortable,” Nuru says. You’ll be able to tell by the person’s tone, as well as body language like an eye roll or heavy sigh. Plus, it’s often delivered with heavy sarcasm: “I’m so sorry I couldn’t read your mind.”
Read More: How to Bring Up Someone’s Bad Hygiene Without Offending Them
While there’s usually not much you can say in response in the moment, it’s helpful to revisit at a later time, she adds, letting the other person know you were hurt by the exchange.
The doubt apology
If someone can’t believe the words that just rolled out of your mouth, they might pretend to have misheard you in order to express disbelief or challenge your statement. Think: “I’m sorry, your cat’s Instagram account made how much money last year?” Or: “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Did you just say you won the lottery and met Brad Pitt on the same day?” “It’s a tactic to question the other person’s statement,” Nuru says. “Like, ‘Wait, did you really say that?’ ‘Sorry for mishearing’ is a thinly veiled way to express their skepticism.”
The buffer apology
One of the most common types of apologies is saying “I’m sorry” to soften words or requests. When people do this, “They’re preemptively acknowledging what they perceive to be a minor inconvenience or maybe their own perceived shortcomings,” Nuru says. “It’s often unnecessarily used as a way to be overly polite and avoid seeming demanding.” Someone might say “I’m sorry to bother you,” for example, even when their request is perfectly reasonable—which could be interpreted as a lack of confidence.
Often, people aren’t aware of their over-apologizing habits, Nuru adds. “When I hear it, I try to gently encourage them to take up that space,” she says. “They’re just as deserving of time and space as everybody else.”
