The smallest things, like a song, a photograph, a joke, a book, or a smell could remind you of your lost loved one. Each time this happens, you either smile in recollection of the sweet, happy moments you shared with this person, or you let tears flow freely down your cheeks. More often than not, though, you find that it’s the latter that happens. When you miss someone whose voice you can no longer hear, whose laughter can no longer ring in your ears or who you cannot call or text to tell that you love them, you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness that threatens to eat you up. You are, after all, human.
I’ve been there. I’ve felt such grief that I feared I would be consumed by it. It’s been two years since my father died, but I still miss him as though it happened yesterday. The thing is, loss and grief never go away. It does not matter how long you’ve grieved. Whether it’s a year, two, three or even 10, 15, or 20 years, the thought that you can no longer spend time with a loved one will always make you sad.
The holiday season is usually the toughest. It’s the period when family and friends get together to create new memories and relive past ones, celebrate and share the excitement of the holidays, spend time with one another after probably a year of being apart, and share stories, adventures, experiences, and wins of the past year. But your holiday won’t quite feel like one when you’ve lost someone very dear to you – a parent, a child, a sibling, an uncle or aunt, a spouse or a friend. It’s heartbreaking, I know, but I have learnt ways to find my joy despite my loss during a holiday season such as this. And you can find yours too.
Don’t Dwell On The Loss, Cherish The Beautiful Memories
It’s easy to dwell on your loss when you realise that someone is missing from the dinner table where you all gist and laugh over a meal, or you notice that the sitting room where you gather with family to share jokes and anecdotes feels empty, or the bedroom – your father’s, mother’s, sibling’s – that has become a meeting point of sorts for family is now bereft of the energy it once possessed. Everywhere you turn, you are reminded of your loss. But rather than dwell on the fact that your loved one is no longer here and you will never get to spend time with them again, think about those beautiful moments you spent with them. Do not dwell on the loss of your loved one, but rather, cherish the sweet memories you created together. That way, you can find moments of happiness this season.
Create New Memories
While cherishing memories of your lost loved one, be careful not to fall into a rut of dwelling on the past. Nothing good ever comes of dwelling on the past. You’ll feel sadness all over again, and as with other aspects of life, dwelling on the past will only leave you with feelings of guilt or regret, and you’d begin to think: “Maybe I could have done more.” “Maybe I could have prevented it.” “If only I had…” Then it all starts to chip away at your joy and you are left emotionally and mentally drained. I miss my father, and I love to remember the memories we shared, but I must not let this get in the way of creating new memories with my mum and sisters. Don’t dwell on memories of your lost loved ones so much that you forget to create new memories with those who are here. The point is, be present for your loved ones who are alive and reassure them that you love them.
Focus On The Season
All your life, you’ve spent the holiday season with your loved ones. You have never had to spend the season without a loved one. But now, you watch others spend time with their loved ones and wish you could have what they have. Perhaps you even find yourself envying them. My cousin got married recently, and when I watched her father-daughter dance on social media, it hit me yet again that I was never going to have this dance with my father, that he would never see me get married, or walk me down the aisle, and I was filled with so much envy that I was alarmed. During the holiday season, there’s so much that reminds you of your lost loved one, but you must never let feelings of sadness, envy, or grief swallow you up. Focus on the reason of the season instead. Be thankful, be joyful, be full of praises to God, and most of all, remember why you are celebrating.
Ask Yourself: What Would My Lost Loved One Want For Me?
Happiness is what my father would want for me, and it’s what your lost loved one would want for you too if they were still here. True, there would be moments of sadness and grief, especially at a time like this. Going the entire year without a loved one is hard as it is, but spending the holiday season without them is excruciating. Sometimes, when I am happy or excited about something, I start to feel guilty when I think about my father’s death. But then I asked myself, “Would my father want me to be sad? What would he want for me?” Whenever next you are overcome by sadness over the death of your loved one or guilt about being happy, stop and ask yourself the same question.
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